Do Not Open The Box…

The Earth is melting and the end is nigh. CJ De Mooi from Eggheads is on the run for murder and a cryogenically reanimated cyborg* Noel Edmonds is telephoning your pet cat to talk through it’s depression. The year is 2052 and….

No wait, that’s happening right now. (*unconfirmed at time of publish). Noel Edmonds is actually calling animals to tell them everything is going to be alright, he’s even setting up his own radio station solely for pets to listen to. But it’s not all good news for Barkie the ironic kitten, as Noel warns, if they kill a bird or mouse in this life they will be dealt with in the next. So mind your haunches. But also relax, as everything is going to be juuuuuust fine. Because Noel Loves You.

He’s gone mad. Actually mad.

This comes only 3 months after claiming a box of wires and LEDs from Maplins cured his cancer. And if you poo-poo his claims then you’re going to get cancer too for being a negative-nelly. If this was my Nan we’d be wheeling her down to local nut-house, pumping her full of pills, and inducing her in to a harmless catatonic state. But it’s Noel Edmonds, so we write about it in the press and invite him on to prime time TV or radio to hear him out. If ever there was a poster boy for more funding in the mental health system it’s him.

I genuinely fear we are 6 months away from Noel, in a crudely homemade Mr Blobby suit, marauding down Wood Lane towards BBC Television Centre, taking out waving children with a burning crossbow. Don’t say the warning signs weren’t there.

His only saving grace will be the fact he didn’t get caught up in the 80’s Children’s TV star quagmire that was Operation Yewtree. Although on this evidence, would touching some kids really have been any worse?**





**Yes. Yes it would. Much worse. Don’t touch kids.